Helena of the Lake

  It's already the seventh day of January. How did that happen? So it's been a while since I wrote anything on here. A lot has happened since my last visit and life has been really challenging. I have doubts, fears and a lot of anxiety I haven't really experienced before. And discomfort. What is all of this teaching me? Should I go, should I just patiently move through it hoping to come out on the other side, happier? I really don't know! I have to believe that God has put me here for a good reason, right? Have I been too comfortable? I have so many questions. That is where faith and trust comes in......and of course patience. Where are you taking me this year, God? 

  Breathe, just breathe. I have to say these words to myself quite often. I stop and breathe when things get out of control and my head wants to explode. Lately, that has been happening too often and I don't like that feeling. Why do I take on other people's emotions and negativity? Why do I allow that to affect my sanity? I need to refocus and block out other people's drama. I need to focus on what I can control and handle. God, grant me the clarity and calmness to deal with daily challenges with a clear mind. Thank you!

  I lost a dear friend two weeks ago and I'm really struggling. Why her, God.......why? Why is cancer eating away at us, in so many different ways? Where is the miracle, and where is the cure? My only solace is that she is with her mom now. Lucy, my dear stubborn friend. I miss you so much! The world is a big mess and people are more isolated and lonely than ever before. What has happened to the human race? When did we stop caring about each other? When are we going to learn the lesson? I have so many questions, God! Making that lemonade.......it's hard at the moment.

Purpose  - the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. What is my purpose? Why am I here? I'm watching the birds from my window. It looks like they are just aimlessly flying around, not doing much, but I believe they know exactly why they have been put here on earth. Don't play small just because you feel you have to accommodate other people's needs and feelings. Speak up and share your experience, your thoughts and ideas. What are you waiting for?! Spread your wings and fly!

It's a real challenge to choose your heart over your pocket when the odds are stacked against you. We cannot change other people, but we can make a choice to change our circumstances. If we can't move the mountain, then we have to move the goal. Happiness and peace, that is the goal. I want to love my life, my work and I don't want to live in constant uncertainty. That I know for sure! I hope you are doing what gives you joy.

  When and how do we decide we've had enough? When do we choose peace over anger, discomfort and chaos? What do we need to sacrifice in order to get to that place? Just a few questions I have to answer for myself. Reading people isn't easy......working with them is even harder. We have a responsibility to each other to be patient, tolerant and understanding. Is that so difficult? We are here to learn, but most of all we are here to teach each other. Be kind, people!

  Today was another beautiful day given to us by God. I am so unbelievably grateful for everything He has given me. My life is a miracle and I only have God to thank for that. I am not deserving! Why are we here on earth? A student had an answer that really spoke to me. We all have more than one purpose on earth. I like that idea, but I've decided that we are here to help each other and to teach. Every day we have the chance to be an example, to help and to guide each other. Why is it so difficult just to reach out and give someone a hand? It feels really good to help and contribute, doesn't it? What is stopping you? Reach out and touch someone's life!

A blank page, a new start. Grace - a spontaneous gift from God to people. Generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved. My life and especially the last eight months have been filled by His Grace. I am truly undeserving! At the same time, I'm also comforted by the assurance that He is always ever-present, guiding me and holding my hand as I navigate life. I am truly NOTHING without Him. How do we start again? How do we make a difference, how do we take the next step with purpose and intention?  I don't know yet, but I'm hoping that at the end of each day I'll be able to look back and at least tick off one or two things I did right. That's a start, right? I hope your pages will be filled with love and good intentions. Until tomorrow!

It's been four months since my last post. I'm still standing and I only have God to thank for that. He sustains me, He provides and as always He is my Savior. I'm undeserving and yet He is always there when I need Him the most. I don't have my own place yet, but I have a full-time job and I hope it's going to work out. In less than an hour I'm turning 58.....yes, 58! That number seems so unreal to me. What is your plan, God? By your Grace alone!  

  Where do I start? Three months, lots of money spent, made some really bad calls, survived Covid and I've never felt lonelier in my life. I don't like putting out negative thoughts and feelings and at this moment I don't want to hear that everything is going to work out, you're going to be just fine. How do they know? I am scared shitless and I only have myself and hopeful God who has been with me all this time, but I need Him now more than ever, but I don't know how to ask, how to pray for his grace and mercy. Do I deserve it? I feel cold and distant and angry at other people, but mostly at myself. Only God can save me!

  When you've been fortunate and blessed to have travelled to other countries your outlook on life changes a lot. You visit other countries, meet new people and explore new cultures that are so different to yours. When you live in a new country for a few years you adopt some of their ways and others make no sense to you. You try new things, you're exposed to new languages and slowly but surely you change. It might not be totally obvious to people who know you well, but you feel different, you think differently and you look at life with new eyes. You no longer live in that comfort zone that you've known for most of your life. It's a really good feeling and then you return home and people try to put you back in that box, the one that they are so comfortable to be in. How can you go back? After everything you've experienced it would be such a waste. Don't fall back in old habits just because it doesn't suit other people. Dare to be different! See you soon, brav...

  I've been back in my country for nearly a month now and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the differences I've noticed. I honestly don't know what to make of it all. Where do I belong? I'm not young, but I'm not that old either. Where are the white people working these days? I don't see them in the banks, the shops, I just don't see many of them at all. As you can imagine, everything is way more expensive and I have no idea how the average family survive. Where is this country going? I think now, more than ever it is important who you know and not what you know. Sad, but so true! What will it be like in another seven years? Yes, I have a lot of questions! I'm usually a positive person and yes, there are things that have improved, but there are also things that have not. The corruption is shocking, we have power load-shedding because of incompetent people. There is no light at the end of this tunnel! Keep fighting, Africa!

  Why is fear easier than faith? Why is gaining weight easier than losing weight? I have so many 'why' questions. "Don't believe what you think" Have you heard that one? I used to get annoyed when I saw that quote, but recently I realized that there's some truth in those words. The things we come up with in our heads can be so destructive and negative and just wrong. Uncertainty, fear, doubt, it takes over and you panic and think the worst. Be careful what you think! Another old chestnut, but also so true. Don't give in to those dark thoughts. don't give in to negativity, just don't! Nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be, right? You are not in control, God is. Repeat those words over and over until you believe them and rid yourself of those negative thoughts. Ditch the fear, have faith! Until next time, believers!

How strange and yet so familiar. Being back in my own country for the first time in nearly seven years is wonderful. I don't have to worry that I won't be understood. My country, my language, my people. I've forgotten how friendly and helpful my people can be. Driving into the city and seeing our famous mountain, the ocean, the beautiful views just made me smile. There is something very comforting about the familiar and yet I've come back to some new challenges. Another new beginning awaits and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Can I start over again? Is there a place for me here? What is God's plan for my life? Can I contribute, make a difference? I truly hope so! I'll keep you posted!  

  The clock is ticking and my emotions are all over the place. Am I really ready for another change? I've lived a very comfortable life here for the last seven years, even this year of Covid was tough on my mind and especially on my body, but it was still good. Now I'm going back to my own country, but I have no idea if it's a good decision or not. So many people have told me how bad things are at home right now. I'm over fifty, white and I haven't had a normal job in over twelve years. My biggest challenge is making it on my own. Can I succeed? If I don't, will I be able to ask for help? Being a super independent person makes that one of the most difficult aspects of my crazy life. I've been on my own for so long and I pride myself in being able to take care of my own life. God and me, always in this together. I have to trust that He didn't bring me all this way just to abandon me. I'm the one who needs to keep praying and trusting in Him. He is the...

Unconditional love. Two heavy words, if you haven't experienced it yet. Two beautiful words, if you have. And I think I can say, I have. I've always kept my circle small because I prefer quality over quantity. In every stage of my life, I've been blessed to have people who have enriched my life and made me a better person. Some of them stayed for years, others just passed by, but they made an impact on me and taught me lessons that I won't forget. Some connections are instant, others happen over time or take you by surprise. If I invest my time and love in a friendship, I go all the way. I'm the one who keeps in contact, remembers your birthday and checks in with you when you least expect it. Some of my friendships are over thirty-five years old, others are a few years old, but they are all priceless. The moment we connect it is as if we just saw each other the day before. The love, the comfort and the connections are still there. Hold on to those beautiful souls th...

  I've been living abroad for fifteen years, I haven't been home(my country) in over seven years. Am I ready to start over again? I'm still me, but different. When so many people tell you not to come back it makes the decision so much harder. It's always been easy for me to adapt to a new situation, but going back to a familiar one, I'm not so sure. I don't want to fall back into old patterns and routines, that's for sure. I want to do new things, different things. Is it possible? Of course, anything is possible if you set your mind to it. Sound familiar, doesn't it? This city has been my home for the last seven years and I haven't felt this comfortable and content in a very long time. If only it wasn't a city in another country, in a time of so much uncertainty. I have to believe that God has a plan for my life, he always does. He knows my heart, but will I accept where He takes me? God only knows! Keep the faith!

Just breathe! When I start repeating those two words then you must know I'm not doing so well anymore. I retreat, get quiet and try to stay calm while taking deep breaths. It's been nearly a year since this all started and things are looking up, but we still have a long way to go. I am so grateful for surviving this year, but I'm also so scared of the unknown future that lies ahead of me. Living here in these challenging times have been amazing, but decisions have to be made, actions need to be taken. As always my life is in His hands. I have plunged headfirst into many unknown situations, but this one........it's different. I never imagined that going back to my own country would make me feel so nervous. God help me! Just breathe!

  Daughter, sister, wife, mother and grandmother. What a privilege it is to hold just one or two of those titles, let alone all of them. Men might rule the world, but women, we are the rocks, the foundation of what holds families together. And family is where it all starts. That is where you learn respect, love, moral values, discipline and how to distinguish between wrong and right. Your mother, your sister, your aunts and your grandmothers play such a vital role in who you become. From an early age you watch, you learn and you copy the behaviour of the very people who love you and protect you. You fall, they pick you up, you cry, they hold you and tell you everything is going to be just fine. How blessed are we to have these amazing people in our lives? Being a strong woman in a world ruled by men, that takes hard work, guts and willpower. Do not play small, do not let anyone hold you back! Happy Women's Day!

  It's March! How is it possible? It was just Christmas and New Year yesterday! Slow down.......slow down, please! So much to do and so little time. Didn't we talk about this before? The first two months went by in a flash and it's making me anxious. I'm still living life in limbo, but the time to make serious decisions is coming closer and closer. I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to make the decisions. Can someone else do it for me, please? So many people are in the same situation in these uncertain times and it's so scary and challenging to navigate through this maze of obstacles lying in front of us. Faith, trust and belief, that is all we have and hopefully all we need to get us to the other side. This is the one time I don't think baby steps are going to work. The clock is not going to stop ticking and the only way through this is taking that leap and jumping. What's the worst that can happen? See you on the other side!