Helena of the Lake

A blank page, a new start. Grace - a spontaneous gift from God to people. Generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved. My life and especially the last eight months have been filled by His Grace. I am truly undeserving! At the same time, I'm also comforted by the assurance that He is always ever-present, guiding me and holding my hand as I navigate life. I am truly NOTHING without Him. How do we start again? How do we make a difference, how do we take the next step with purpose and intention?  I don't know yet, but I'm hoping that at the end of each day I'll be able to look back and at least tick off one or two things I did right. That's a start, right? I hope your pages will be filled with love and good intentions. Until tomorrow!

It's been four months since my last post. I'm still standing and I only have God to thank for that. He sustains me, He provides and as always He is my Savior. I'm undeserving and yet He is always there when I need Him the most. I don't have my own place yet, but I have a full-time job and I hope it's going to work out. In less than an hour I'm turning 58.....yes, 58! That number seems so unreal to me. What is your plan, God? By your Grace alone!  

  Where do I start? Three months, lots of money spent, made some really bad calls, survived Covid and I've never felt lonelier in my life. I don't like putting out negative thoughts and feelings and at this moment I don't want to hear that everything is going to work out, you're going to be just fine. How do they know? I am scared shitless and I only have myself and hopeful God who has been with me all this time, but I need Him now more than ever, but I don't know how to ask, how to pray for his grace and mercy. Do I deserve it? I feel cold and distant and angry at other people, but mostly at myself. Only God can save me!

  When you've been fortunate and blessed to have travelled to other countries your outlook on life changes a lot. You visit other countries, meet new people and explore new cultures that are so different to yours. When you live in a new country for a few years you adopt some of their ways and others make no sense to you. You try new things, you're exposed to new languages and slowly but surely you change. It might not be totally obvious to people who know you well, but you feel different, you think differently and you look at life with new eyes. You no longer live in that comfort zone that you've known for most of your life. It's a really good feeling and then you return home and people try to put you back in that box, the one that they are so comfortable to be in. How can you go back? After everything you've experienced it would be such a waste. Don't fall back in old habits just because it doesn't suit other people. Dare to be different! See you soon, brav...

  I've been back in my country for nearly a month now and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the differences I've noticed. I honestly don't know what to make of it all. Where do I belong? I'm not young, but I'm not that old either. Where are the white people working these days? I don't see them in the banks, the shops, I just don't see many of them at all. As you can imagine, everything is way more expensive and I have no idea how the average family survive. Where is this country going? I think now, more than ever it is important who you know and not what you know. Sad, but so true! What will it be like in another seven years? Yes, I have a lot of questions! I'm usually a positive person and yes, there are things that have improved, but there are also things that have not. The corruption is shocking, we have power load-shedding because of incompetent people. There is no light at the end of this tunnel! Keep fighting, Africa!

  Why is fear easier than faith? Why is gaining weight easier than losing weight? I have so many 'why' questions. "Don't believe what you think" Have you heard that one? I used to get annoyed when I saw that quote, but recently I realized that there's some truth in those words. The things we come up with in our heads can be so destructive and negative and just wrong. Uncertainty, fear, doubt, it takes over and you panic and think the worst. Be careful what you think! Another old chestnut, but also so true. Don't give in to those dark thoughts. don't give in to negativity, just don't! Nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be, right? You are not in control, God is. Repeat those words over and over until you believe them and rid yourself of those negative thoughts. Ditch the fear, have faith! Until next time, believers!

How strange and yet so familiar. Being back in my own country for the first time in nearly seven years is wonderful. I don't have to worry that I won't be understood. My country, my language, my people. I've forgotten how friendly and helpful my people can be. Driving into the city and seeing our famous mountain, the ocean, the beautiful views just made me smile. There is something very comforting about the familiar and yet I've come back to some new challenges. Another new beginning awaits and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Can I start over again? Is there a place for me here? What is God's plan for my life? Can I contribute, make a difference? I truly hope so! I'll keep you posted!